You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
