Pants 0. Shit 1.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sober January is a disaster.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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