Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
