She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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