after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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