New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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