I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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