I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
