I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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