last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
