Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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