I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
BRING THE BAGELS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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