I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
