I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
