I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
