I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
