"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
