I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
vagina is talking i cant
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
