I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
what the fuck happened to the tacos
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
