I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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