He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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