I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
