I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
