The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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