Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
