My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
