She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
