I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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