I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
