Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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