I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
