Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
