I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
