Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
