Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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