My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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