Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
