so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
