I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
