If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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