I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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