he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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