the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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