Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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