I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
