We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
