So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
