I love black thongs
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
