my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
