He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
wow bdsm is so cute
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